If You’re Not Sleeping, You’re Not Healing

When I was completing my master’s program, my supervisor told me something I’ll never forget:

“Cindy, if your clients are coming from a place of trauma, the first thing you should check is whether they’re sleeping.”

Sleep isn’t just rest, it’s healing. I’ve spent entire sessions with clients focusing only on sleep because it’s that important.

Why Sleep Matters So Much

Tens of millions of Americans struggle with sleep. And poor sleep doesn’t just make you tired it impacts almost every system in your body.

Lack of sleep has been linked to:

• Diabetes, obesity, and cardiovascular disease

• Weakened immune system and chronic inflammation

• Anxiety, depression, and mood swings

• Impaired concentration, memory, and decision-making

• Higher accident risk and even hallucinations in severe cases

Sleep is at the very base of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs — it’s survival. Without it, therapy and personal growth often stall.

What’s Really Happening While We Sleep?

A lot more than you might think! Sleep isn’t just about shutting down, it’s an active process where the brain and body get busy with repair and restoration. While we sleep:

• The brain clears out waste and strengthens memories.

• The body repairs tissues and muscles.

• The immune system recharges.

• Energy stores are replenished for the next day.

Sleep happens in cycles, and each stage plays a unique role in keeping us healthy:

Stage 1: Light Sleep (1–5 minutes)

This is the transition between wakefulness and sleep. Your body starts to relax, brain waves slow, and you can be easily woken up.

Stage 2: Deeper Light Sleep

We spend nearly half the night here. Heart rate, temperature, and breathing slow down, muscles relax, and eye movements stop. This stage is essential for maintaining basic body regulation.

Stage 3: Deep Sleep

This is the most restorative stage. Brain waves change, bodily functions slow to their lowest levels, and the body begins repairing itself. It’s also the hardest stage to wake from — and if you do, you may feel groggy or mentally sluggish for up to an hour. Fascinatingly, this is also when sleepwalking, talking, nightmares, and even bedwetting can occur.

REM Sleep (Rapid Eye Movement)

Usually beginning about 90 minutes after falling asleep, REM is when brain activity spikes. Memories are processed and organized, emotions are integrated, and vivid dreams occur. During this stage, the body is temporarily paralyzed to prevent acting out dreams. Although REM is mentally active, it’s not physically restful, which is why balance across all stages is important.

Rethinking Sleep Routines

For years, I told clients to focus on bedtime routines (warm baths, no caffeine, journaling, quiet rooms). Those are helpful, but here’s the real secret:

Your wake-up routine is even more important.

Why? Because waking at the same time every day trains your body’s internal clock. Consistency helps your brain regulate alertness, mood, and energy.

Good sleep hygiene (that actually works)

When Should You Go to Bed?

The short answer: when you’re actually tired.

Sleep schedules sound great in theory, but life often has other plans — kids, pets, late-night phone calls, airport runs. While aiming for a semi-consistent bedtime is helpful, what really matters is when you wake up.

Why Waking Up at the Same Time Matters

The most powerful step you can take for better sleep is to set a wake-up time and stick to it.
Your brain and body run on an internal clock (your circadian rhythm), which regulates alertness, mood, and even temperature. Waking up at different times throws this rhythm off, leaving your system unsure of when to feel sleepy or energized.

What if You Had a Bad Night?

It happens to everyone. Maybe you stayed up too late or just couldn’t fall asleep. Don’t try to “catch up” by sleeping in — that only confuses your body clock. Instead, wake up at your usual time. Your body will naturally recalibrate the next night or two by nudging you to bed earlier when you’re genuinely tired. Remember: one rough night won’t undo your progress.

Don’t Force Sleep

Lying awake and stressing about not sleeping only makes things worse. If you’re not asleep after about 20 minutes, get out of bed and do something calm and low stimulating: sip herbal tea, read a light book, or work on a puzzle. When sleepiness returns, head back to bed. If you’re still awake after another 20 minutes, repeat the cycle.

How Many Hours Do You Really Need?

Contrary to popular belief, not everyone needs exactly eight hours. Sleep needs vary by person and even by circumstance — illness, stress, time changes, or caring for a newborn all affect how much rest your body requires. Instead of aiming for a magic number, focus on how rested and alert you feel during the day.

Move your body & get some light! 

When you wake up, get your body moving, even gentle stretches, a quick walk, or some yoga can signal to your system that it’s time to start the day. Pair this with bright light exposure, ideally natural sunlight. If it’s still dark outside, flip on your lights (yes, even the refrigerator light counts!). Movement plus light is one of the simplest ways to boost energy and alertness in the morning.

Don’t worry about your sleep at bedtime. 

If you can’t fall asleep and start stressing about how it will ruin your productivity the next day, you’re only making the problem worse. Instead, pause and acknowledge what you’re feeling. Then shift your focus to calming techniques, try slow, deep breaths, gentle humming, or even a long sigh to release tension.

Protect the Bed-Sleep Connection

Your bed should only be associated with sleep and sex. Watching TV, scrolling on your phone, or working in bed sends mixed signals to your brain and makes it harder to fall asleep. Strengthen the mental link: when you get into bed, your body should know it’s time to rest.

Alcohol is not doing what you think it’s doing

Alcohol might help you fall asleep faster, but it doesn’t support healthy sleep. Once in your system, it disrupts the body’s natural sleep cycle. REM sleep, the stage that helps with memory, learning, and emotional balance, is shortened, while lighter, less restorative stages take over. This leads to frequent wake-ups during the night and poor sleep quality overall. Over time, regular alcohol use can make things worse, contributing to chronic insomnia, sleep apnea, and long-lasting changes in how your body regulates REM sleep.

Sorry but those phones/TVs must go

Screens give off blue light, which suppresses melatonin, the hormone that signals it’s time to sleep. On top of that, the content itself keeps your brain active and alert, disrupting your circadian rhythm (your body’s natural sleep–wake cycle). In other words, scrolling in bed sends mixed signals: you’re telling your brain it’s time to stay awake, while also expecting it to drift off. No wonder it feels so hard to fall asleep afterward.

Do you really need those fancy gadgets? 

While technology has brought us amazing tools, not all sleep aids are as helpful as they seem. Many clients share data from wearable trackers, and while this information can be useful, it sometimes does more harm than good. If monitoring your sleep leaves you feeling anxious or stressed, the device may actually be interfering with, rather than improving, your rest. In those cases, it may be healthier to set the gadget aside and focus on how you feel when you wake up, rather than what the numbers say.

Fun sleep hacks to try

• Pick a word, any word and for each letter find three words starting with that letter. For example, I’ll choose the SLEEP. S – sensitive, selective, superstitious / L – lenient, ludicrous, lazy / E – energy, excellence, enthusiasm / E – elephant, example, extraordinary / P – productive, pencil, private.

• Try a paradoxical intention technique. Lie flat on your bed, make sure it’s dark. Stare at the ceiling and repeat this mantra “I will keep my eyes open”. As you begin to get sleepy, repeat the mantra. As strange as it sounds the goal is to stay awake as long as possible to help release the anxiety you’re feeling over not falling asleep. 

• Choose a boring word and just repeat it over and over in your head or aloud when you’re struggling to shut off your thoughts. 

• With your eyes closed, look all the way up, center, look all the way down, center, all the way to the left, center, all the way to the right, center, take them all the way up and go all the way around like a clock, when you get to the top, go all the way around in the other direction, end the cycle by pulling eyes into a cross-eyed position.